12.8.20 | The Intersection

I see myself standing in the crosswalk of a busy intersection. One street is fervent hope and the other street is brutal reality. And here I am, caught between the two.

I admit, I have been on a high from our CHOA visit last Monday. I spent a week thinking about the normal things I will do when I have two boys — and by normal, I mean “how will I take our compost out to the tumbler in the front holding two babies?” That’s “normal”, right?!

And yet, when the phlebotomist yesterday asked me while she was drawing blood if I was going to get a double stroller, I found myself sharing this son only has half of a heart. And, we are just not there yet.

Ah, the intersection of fervent hope and brutal reality.

Cort and I were talking about this tonight. Of course, we will always root for our son! Of course we will have hope he will survive 3 reconstructive heart surgeries! Of course, we want to see our son live a full life!

But then I think about a stat I heard last Monday. That pesky stat that one out of three children will not make it to their eighth birthday, even after those three ridiculously difficult heart surgeries.

Ah, the intersection of fervent hope and brutal reality.

At this moment, both constructs are living in me. One doesn’t have to take over the other. It’s what makes this an intersection. In fact, I think I need both.

If I only had fervent hope, it would turn into an expectation that maybe isn’t what will actually happen. The brutal reality would paralyze me in fear. They both are uncomfortable at times. They both serve a purpose in my spirit.

I’m learning how to live in both. Be comfortable with both. And be patient with myself when I experience one over the other. I think it is what makes this part of the journey so difficult. We just don’t know what will happen to our precious son. And so, I will choose to cross over to the street of fervent hope.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Kasey Carmona

Kasey Carmona

Wife to Cort. Mama to two boys. One with HLHS. Welcome into our journey of heart and hope.